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American stand-up comedian Mitch Hedberg was known for his quirky observations and dry delivery of fast one-liners that kept his audiences hustling to keep up with him. His friends claim he was the funniest person in the world. Whether or not you agree, you're bound to enjoy reading some of his classic remarks.
Mitch Hedberg's Thoughts on a Mechanized World
"I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an 'Escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only 'Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
Funny Things About Food
"I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt. When will I ever need to prove I bought a donut? Some skeptical friend: 'Hey man! Don't you even act like I didn't buy this donut! I have the receipt… damn… I forgot it at home… in the filing cabinet under D… for donut.'"
"That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, 'It's cool, he's with me.'"
"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.'"
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
"I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on."
To Sleep Perchance to Dream
"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."
"I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord."
Department of Health
"People who smoke cigarettes, they say 'You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking.' Yes, I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing."
"Someone handed me a picture and said, 'This is a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' Where'd you get that camera man?"
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
Mitch Hedberg's Random Musings on Golf and Other Subjects
"I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell 'Fore,' but I was too busy mumbling 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'"
"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why. That's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."
"You know, there's a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something."
"I use the word 'totally' too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. 'Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?' All-encompassingly."